It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
