How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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