So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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