I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
