Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
