I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
