I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
