textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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