I think I just saw someone hide a body.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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