Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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