the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
