The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
He has the fingertips of a God
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