My first STD was from a foam party
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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