On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
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