so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I need to calm my uterus...
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
