Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
