Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
