I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
