Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
