i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
