Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Randomize
