Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
