i already hear my dad disowning me
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
