did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
