alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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