Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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