butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
Barsexuality is the new black.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
