For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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