When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Randomize
