At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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