Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
