Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
