Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Randomize
