dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
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It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
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I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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