I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
