I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
