the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
