My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
