i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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