Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
