Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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