I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I don't deserve a penis
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We're too hungover to prance.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
