Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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