Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Drake has all the answers
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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