Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
dude i'm inner monologue high
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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