***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
