Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
birth control should be required to get into college
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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