Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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