i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
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at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
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My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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