I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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