K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
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I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
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Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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