So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Randomize
