The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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