Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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