That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
